Between Monday and Thursday about two metric tons of stuff fell into our pool. It had actually been Monday since Holly and I had been in the pool and we were missing it. The weather, you see has been inconsiderately cool (this only applies if you have a pool ... if you don't, the weather's been beautiful!) and has kept the idea of an evening swim at bay.
So despite the floating and sunken debris, we decided it was time to get in the pool. Yes, it was a little cold and I found it hard to relax because as we played we stumbled across gob after gob of bird poop! Now I don't see why it has to be this way. We treat the birds in our yard quite well. Even buy them the good brand of bird food. I don't think it's very reciprocal of them to drop the used food into the pool like that!
Anyway, while I was in the pool something large landed on my head. I know what you're thinking ... but no, not bird poop, rather a family-size horse fly. I could tell it was a bit on the abnormal side when I saw Holly's eyes get real wide and I took that to mean, "Dunk boy! Dunk!" I dunked.
So between the radioactively enhanced horsefly and the bird poop gobs, enough was enough and we got out. While we were drying off I felt a very acute pain in my leg. I looked down to see that same horsefly attaching himself to my leg. A sound escaped my mouth. I believe it was, "aaaahhhh" or "eeeeeeee" or some other extremely masculine vocalization and I swatted at the fly. It flew off. Rivulets of blood ran down my leg and I just looked at it stupidly for a moment. It was a fly that bit me right? Not some kind of forest mammal or something?
This was the second time I've been bested by an insect in front of my wife. There was that time a little over a year ago when I was loading the dishwasher and was stung in the ass by Waspthra, the two-inch monstrosity that had taken time out of it's busy Tokyo squashing activities to fly all the way to Richmond and plant one right on my right cheek. (I believe my vocalization that time was "iiiiiiiiiiiiiiyyyyy".)
So we're having company tomorrow and we'll all be using the pool, so I got a jump start on vacuuming it out. Finished that up and was skimming the surface as I walked around inside the pool when in the wetlands a tree branch crashed to the ground. "Huh," I wondered. "What caused that." A mere moment later the horsefly, ready for his second helping of Stefan came buzzing by my head. I swatted at it with the skimmer net, missing the fly and effectively throwing everything I'd cleaned back into the water. I immediately ducked 98% of my body under the water! The fly came in for another pass and I submerged. When I came back up, about half-way across the pool, he was waiting for me. He landed on my head and I twisted and thrashed and got about 1 1/4 gallons of water up nose.
This time when I righted myself I was indignant! I stood my ground and watched the sky carefully. Yup, I stared all around me, looking left, looking right, up down. Didn't look at my arm. Why the hell would I look at my arm? Then I felt him. I looked at my arm. He looked at me. He opened his mouth ... and I'd swear the little bastard laughed at me. Another thrashing about like a penguin in a polar bear's jaws. This time I scrambled out of the pool like demons were after me (maybe they were!), slipped on my flip flops and ran into the house.
From under the sink I grabbed my Hot Shot Insect Killer and went back outside. I got into the pool, Hot Shot in one hand, pool skimmer in the other. I didn't have to wait long ... he zoomed in, dying a fly by (ha!), buzzing the tower as the fighter pilots call it. I shot and missed him by a country mile! I was a sitting duck! Quickly, I flipped over the inflatable float, lifting only a tiny bit so I could watch for my attacker. Armed with a skimmer in one hand, insecticide in the other and a sun-bathing float on my head, I sized up my options. Regretfully, there were no options. I looked like a domestic Rambo sneaking up on an enemy that knew exactly where I was. When I looked up and inside the float and saw the three baby spiders deciding the shortest path to my head, I conceded.
I slunk out of the pool (as quickly as one can while slinking) and came inside. I now realize the tree branch falling must have been the fly's show of force. All part of his Shock and Awe campaign.
But this battle's far from over!
Horsefly - 2
Stefan - 0
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